Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
