I am midnight drunk by noon
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
