i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
