so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
