just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
