I think my fart just growled at me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
