My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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