i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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