Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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