She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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