Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
