I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
