After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
