So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
