Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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