Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
