Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
