He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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