Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
