Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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