If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
