I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
