It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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