I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
