Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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