I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
