Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
