And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
time to smoke my breakfast
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
