Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
