When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
