I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
