well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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