worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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