So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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