I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
