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Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
