nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
