the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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