so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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