My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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