I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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