Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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