I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
