some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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