She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
