4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
