new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
