omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
