Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
