sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
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Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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