I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Girls should come with a carfax report
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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