The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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