i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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