I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
a search helicopter?!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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