i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
