Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
