The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
