You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
