Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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